summerlove

Moveit.

2010-06-05T11:42:00.000-07:00

I'm all about fresh starts. If you follow my things, follow me here: summerlove.

It might be time...

2010-06-01T14:21:00.000-07:00

...for me to begin blogging again. Why? Because I have more time, but also because I think my brain-sicles are clotted up from not getting my thoughts out. I've always been the journaling type, and lord knows I've been blogging since before it was even called blogging (does anyone remember opendiary.com?).

But since my creativity has been blocked by extensive (and even excessive) forays into theory and academia, I need to get those juices flowing in whatever ways I can.

And if it's by blogging, then goddammit, I will blog.

I ain't goin' down...

2009-11-30T20:15:00.000-08:00

...I'm just trying to remember what's good.

Coming out of the closet.

2009-08-14T07:46:00.001-07:00

I admit it. I still love Mariah. I don't care, she's still hot. She's still classy, she's still saying things like "You're delusional" and "all fired up with your Napoleon complex" in her songs and it sounds hot. She came back from a breakdown, a bad album (hello Charmbracelet) and an ill-advised film (Glitter?). The woman adapts and I love her.

I especially love this:

Not the official video, but it's the only version of the song I could embed. I like the comment: "poor Mariah she is still a silly waitress."

So anyway. The secret's out.

I DO exist!

2009-07-30T22:43:00.000-07:00

Hello, my namesake, Rachel Grey, daughter of Cyclops and Jean Grey. How bad ass is she. I've known about my namesake's existence for quite awhile, but never felt the need to look her up until my brother came across her in one of his issues of Uncanny X-Men.

So there is my doppelganger. There should be a word for the you that you are as a superhero.

wind(ing).

2009-07-18T21:14:00.000-07:00

The fruits of my visit home have been plenty. Some nuggets include:

-a hike with my brother up to a waterfall that entailed me trying to cross a creek by balancing on a log. We'll say that it ended with me slamming my face into a rock, banging up my leg, filling my shoes with water and getting algae all over my shirt.

-impromptu visit to the town of my birth, which involved fifteen minutes of driving around trying to find a bathroom. The park is much smaller than I remember it being.

-reliving my pre-adolescent/adolescent years by reading old journals. For a few days there, I felt neurotic, insecure and hormonal. Oh wait -- I think that's just my PMS. HA.

-deciding that coming back for a month and a half is far too long.

Though the past month has been excruciating, I will say that it's given me perspective. It's reminded me of who I was and who I am, and that's what I needed.

Now I just have to survive 2 more weeks...

i <3 women.

2009-07-10T20:42:00.000-07:00

especially these ones:

God, I love female badass-ery. It makes me want to cry tears of joy. Maybe one day my sarcasm will allow me that.

lolligagging.

2009-06-28T00:16:00.000-07:00

I should probably stop spending my evenings looking at pictures of my friends' babies on facebook. I'm such a sucker. Kittens and babies.

But really... really, there's nothing wrong with loving kittens and babies. Loving is okay.

And Michael... I'll love you forever.

Toward the light.

2009-06-25T12:08:00.000-07:00

Man, I need to read me a New York Times. And fast.

Having coverage of Farrah Fawcett's "last hours" on The View, complete with montages and interviews with Barbara Walters just isn't cutting it. In fact, it makes me a little nauseous. Yes, let's televise someone's journey toward the light, shall we? And let's also talk about how her son has "addiction issues" while she's dying, and let's also talk about how her family refuses to tell her that her son, along with having "addictions" was also in jail.

Let's all remember Farrah for what she really stood for: feathered hair. (Kidding!)

Rest in peace, Farrah. You will be missed.

The wonder of summer

2009-06-23T16:09:00.000-07:00

My summer obsessions include the following:

1. Martha Reeves and the Vandellas. After my Motown summer class, I've concluded that Martha Reeves would kick Diana Ross's ass any day. Seriously though, Martha's voice is amazing. If you haven't heard her before, check out "(Love is Like A) Heatwave" and "Come and Get These Memories". Youtube her too. Incredible.

2. Smokey Robinson & the Miracles. What I love about Smokey is his incredible voice.
Check out "Ooo Baby Baby" for reference.

3. Wonder Woman. Mostly because of my recent foray into Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe, but also because I'm beginning to love goddesses.

4. New Young Pony Club's Fantastic Playroom. I realize I'm about two years late on this one, and I don't give a shit. I still love it and I'm listening to it forever.

In other news though, I am back with the parents in Nevada. It's good to see mountains again, although the whole we-don't-get-the-New-York-Times thing is a little old. Hopefully a trip to the beach will be in order soon because I just bought 4 bathing suits for no particular reason, other than Victoria's Secret made them look irresistible. I may or may not have a problem.

a real-ish post.

2009-03-26T11:45:00.000-07:00

So I suppose this deserves an update of some kind, some kind of ordering of words that provide a view of what my life is like at the moment.

Today is a Thursday. I'm in the middle of a week full of tumult brought on by the instability of hormones, which is always makes for a good time and uncontrolled and uncontrollable crying. So I think I will make a list of my new favorite things.

1. I have been converted to baseballism, thanks to World Baseball Classic marathons. I rooted for Japan, because yes, it's true, I *do* have a crush on Ichiro. I won't justify it, I won't gush, because it's self-evident how amazing he is.

Also, Yu Darvish reminds me of my little bro for some reason.

2. Anthony Bourdain. I tend to overdose a little bit, but at the moment, reading A Cook's Tour and watching No Reservations are the only ways I can ground myself and get some perspective on life. Though recently, I've come to the conclusion that he might be irritated briefly by my cheery personality (see S.Korea episode), but I'd win him over, I'm sure.

3. Jo Koy. YouTube him. Watch this video. 'Nuff said.

I'm going to go try to dig my happiness out of my 10th floor windowless carrel now.

maybe.

2009-03-12T12:27:00.000-07:00

maybe it's time to come back.

existence.

2008-12-15T18:37:00.000-08:00

Did you lose your virginity in your own bed?
Not so much my bed, but a flattened cardboard box in an alley...

What was your first alcoholic beverage?
It might have been a margarita or a martini... everything got a little blurry after we got to the rave that night.

How old were you when you first smoked weed?
I didn't so much smoke it so much as dealt it from the age of 10 on...

Have you ever lived with your girlfriend/boyfriend?
If by boyfriend/girlfriend, you mean cats, then yes.

Have you ever taken someone back after they've cheated?
At cards? Hell no.

Have you ever thought about killing someone in detail?
No. I'm all about theoretical and vague homicide.

If you married the first person in your text inbox, what would your last name be?
Skeezebucket. Pronounced "Skayz-boo-kay."

Have you ever peed while on the phone?
All the time.

What do you have pierced on you?
Once, at a hockey game, I overheard, "Hey, so are you still going to pierce your hip...?"

What do you have tattooed on you?
My heart.

Do you own porn?
Tons.

Have you ever been on a blind date?
A gentlewoman never tells.

What reality shows do you watch?
I don't really watch them, but I do follow myself around with a video camera and narrate my own life. That counts, right?

When is the last time you saw fireworks?
With that sexy barista the last time I ordered coffee.

Do you remember your first favorite song?
I wanna dance with somebody, whitney houston. Either that or Father Figure by George Michael.

Are you taller than your mom?
I am a giant.

Favorite fruit?
Of the loom.

What was your first screen name?
It's a secret. Mostly because I have early onset Alzheimer's and can't remember.

What are you planning on doing after filling this out?
Eating some food, dancing around my apartment, packing. Getting rid of the bodies in my closet so they don't stink up the place while I'm gone.

Have you dated anyone on your top?
Like my boobs?

What would happen if you had a baby with the last person you kissed?
It wouldn't be the worst thing to ever happen.

Do you sleep on your stomach?
I use it for a pillow sometimes.

Are you dating the last person you kissed?
That's enough of these questions.

Have you ever broken someone's heart?
I'm a heartbreaker.

What are you listening to?
John Mayer. it's not my fault, it's the guy who runs the coffee shop's fault.

Next time you will kiss someone?
Perhaps never when I tell them that I have a herpes outbreak in my mouth.

Have you ever injected a drug?
All the time.

Who are the people you would do anything for?
My fam. My peeps.

Who did you spend the most time with yesterday?
Me & my friends who work at Seattle Grace.

When was the last time you felt like your heart was actually breaking?
It's a condition with me. So all the time.

Do you get along better with the same sex or opposite?
They're both a bunch of crazies.

Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a C?
Every letter of the alphabet.

Are you happy with your life at the moment?
Always.

What is something you disliked about your day?
When I walk around outside, it feels like I forgot to put on my pants because it's so damn cold. I might as well be walking around pantsless outside.

Last time you talked to your number one?
TOO LONG!!!!! (seriously!)

Would you ever live with anyone on your top friends?
If by live you mean dance with, then hell yes.

Your current relationship status?
Check my myspace or my facebook. It knows better than I do.

Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?
Let me sit you down and tell you a little story about adolescence...

Do you currently hate someone?
Only one. And he's dead now, so I guess no.

What are/were you doing at 12 this afternoon?
Buying shit.

Have you ever gotten a sunburn so bad it hurt to move?
Yes.

What is bothering you right now?
Do you really want to go there?

Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
I don't read.

If you could move to Africa, would you?
Maybe not move. I might want to check it out first, make sure I'm not allergic to lions or anything.

How long would it take you to walk home from school?
I don't walk.

What do you have to do tomorrow?
Wake up at 5 in the morning, go to an airport that looks straight out the Jetsons, climb into a steel tube and hurtle miles above the atmosphere at hundreds of miles an hour for about 4 hours.

What were you doing at 9 this morning?
Mentally preparing to run errands, and by that, I mean sleeping.

How's your heart?
I sewed it back together yesterday.

(re)turn.

2008-12-13T16:28:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm almost officially finished with my first semester of grad school. It's been terrifying, insanely fun, insanely heartbreaking and, as always, fullfullfull of change.

I find myself longing for my old contexts, for my old spots in Spokane, even for Nevada at times. I miss my good friends, my old friends, the ones who love me no matter how many bad or good decisions I make. I beyond excited to go home to them, in all the places that they are. I feel like liquid without a container frequently. My friends and my family remind me of who I was, remind me of who I am now. I haven't changed that much. I think that since being here, since realizing that applying to MFA programs and moving to Bloomington are the first things in my life that I have done selfishly, entirely for myself -- since I've realized this, I've become more myself.

I'm definitely not who I was six months ago, and I don't make the best decisions, but I'm making decisions. I'm being honest with myself and I'm facing myself. No matter what, I'm in love with my life, and though I wander, I am not lost. And if I am lost, I'm going to enjoy the scenic route, darlings.

a break in the chaos.

2008-09-09T10:30:00.000-07:00

So here I am. Sitting in the IMU building, one of the largest student unions in the world. I've exploded yogurt all over my black shirt, but that's only one of many awkward things and moments I've maneuvered myself into over the past couple weeks.

The past two weeks -- orientation and classes -- have been a sensory overload. It's been full of excitement and lunacy and confusion and hesitation, anticipation, awkward moments galore. There's been too much new stuff for anything real to settle into my brain lately.

But here I am, and the dust is settling. And I'm happy. And things are changing. The mountains are gone, but there are lush trees everywhere. My hair freaks out every time I step outside, but I feel an old familiar feeling of home in the humidity. My apartment is large and empty and echoey. My kitchen cabinets are full of books and my refrigerator has nothing in it but diet Coke, two yogurts and leftover stir fry. And watermelon in a bag. My clothes are piled everywhere because there is nowhere to put them. I wrote for five hours straight on Sunday because that is what I'm here to do.

Adjusting from the rigidity and soulessness of the 9-5 has been difficult, much more so than I thought. I wander around and have nowhere to be, and it's beautiful. I read because I can and because I'm not tired. And I work on poems all day because I can, because it's what I am here to do.

I think sometimes though, that solitude is too much for me. I think it makes me crazy. And I get nostalgic for the old lives, but I won't go back because I can't. Nothing will ever be the same, no matter how much we try to make it the same.

I have to remember that there are no endings, only changes.

at this juncture.

2008-08-11T23:24:00.000-07:00

i feel like i'm never going to get packed. i've already packed up a lot of stuff, but it feels like the stuff is neverending. in about three days, i'll be panicking and throwing everything away or throwing it all randomly into boxes and garbage bags. my dad will be telling me, "i told you waiting til the last minute to pack was a bad idea." i'll be crying and having shortness of breath and gastrointestinal problems. it'll be an awesome farewell.

on the plus side though, i've been having such a great time in the company of lovely individuals whom i am proud to call my friends. i'm carpe-ing the diem and making the most out of my last days here. and if that means i spend my last few days freaking out and throwing everything i own in the garbage, then that's what that means. stuff is replaceable. these memories are not, and if i do not make them, i will not have them.

the things i will have to leave behind though... mostly furniture, but for some reason feels like giving memories away. giving the green foldy chair to the goodwill guy felt like handing over my memory of watching movies with leah and john sophomore year. my prom dress from senior year... i can't even fit into that thing anymore, but i don't want to give it up.

but it's the time to move on. things change, and i'm trying not to be frightened of it. i'm excited by it, but daunted. there are swells and snatches of emotions i catch during the day, whether it's brought on by mere contemplation or by a chord change in a song, or a line in a poem, or a stranger i see. sometimes i feel uncontrollably joyous, and sometimes i feel completely overwhelmed, like i'm being sucked into the undertow and i can't find which way is up.

but hell. as long as i'm here and you're here, i don't really care. no one's taking away my birthday, and we're well on our way to a good time.

i should be emotional.

2008-08-04T00:21:00.000-07:00

I just dumped my pot pie on the floor. In slow motion, I watched as my hands somehow flipped the plate over, watched my potpie land facedown on the kitchen floor and then bounce, watched the pot pie goodness explode all over the place. The first words out of my mouth: "Shut up." And then, after a nice 45 seconds of staring dejectedly at the remains: "How the hell do I clean *this* up?"

With how things have been going lately, I'm surprised I wasn't hysterical and sobbing as I paper toweled up my pot pie's innards. But it's good that I'm not. It's about time I moved on from Hormone Town.

But I am hungry and have only half a pot pie to eat.

hormones are friggin AWESOME.

2008-08-03T02:16:00.000-07:00

seriously. once a month, i get extremely irritable, want to shake my SO and possibly leave, and cry hysterically over things i wouldn't normally. honestly, i should be medicated probably.

i should probably go to sleep, but i'm trying to exorcise all this crap out of me. i'm listening to crappy music and beautiful music and trying not to think about moving and remembering why i love my SO and trying not to feel my heart falling into my stomach.

really. medicated. somebody sedate me.

whoa.

2008-07-25T15:30:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how much I actually, seriously daydream about food in the course of a day.

And I can't believe how much I actually, seriously daydream about being outside when I'm in the office. Not anywhere special, but just outside.

Happy or sad? Who knows. It just is.

And then of course there's the mild drama that spices up my otherwise freezing and boring work day...

However, 1993 called and gave me its silver earrings, bright pink shirt and olive green loafer wedges outfit. Thanks, '90s! You're giving me lots of stuff lately...

some lunchtime reading.

2008-07-23T18:29:00.000-07:00

"It is equally part of right thinking to reject decidedly any and every form of discrimination. Preconceptions of race, class or sex offend the essence of human dignity and constitute a radical negation of democracy. How far from these values we are when we tolerate the impunity of those who kill a street child; those who murder peasants who struggle for a minimum of justice; those who discriminate on the basis of color, burning churches where blacks pray because prayer is only white; those who treat women as inferior beings; and so on. I feel more pity than rage at the absurd arrogance of this kind of white supremacy, passing itself off to the world as democracy. In fact, this form of thinking and doing is far removed from the humility demanded by 'right' thinking. Nor has it anything to do with the good sense that keeps our exaggerations in check and helps us avoid falling into the ridiculous and the senseless.

"There are times when I fear that someone reading this...may think that there is no more place among us for the dreamer and the believer in utopia. Yet what I have been saying up to now is not the stuff of inconsequential dreamers. It has to do with the very nature of men and women as makers and dreamers of history and not simply as casualties of an a priori vision of the world."

-Paulo Freire, from Pedagogy of Freedom, page 41.

when the day is over, it's the end of the day.

2008-07-16T20:51:00.000-07:00

-After work today, I went to the store and bought 4872398472 pop tarts. Why? I whisper jokingly to a hungry co-teacher as I munch on half a pop tart, "Well, fine, I'll just bring pop tarts for the whole class tomorrow." Then I hear, "OMG!!!!!! YOU'RE BRINGING POP TARTS FOR THE WHOLE CLASS TOMORROW?!" Hello, pre-teen freakout...

-Again, with the Marilyn Monroe moments as I walk down the street. How the hell am I always attracting the freak gusts of wind that blow my skirt up? Thanks, I've just flashed half of Spokane in the past two weeks...

-Cashier at Panda Express gazing at my chest. What? She's a lady. I think. And there ain't nothin to stare at on my chest.

-Fact: Whining=annoying. When grown men (and women) whine, it is called being a bitchass punk.

-I'm kind of excited about Mamma Mia. Yeah, take away my cool points. Didn't want 'em anyway.

Buh-ring it.

2008-07-13T23:58:00.000-07:00

This weekend has been amazing. I took Friday off at the last minute and headed over to the west side for old roomie Stacey's wedding. I felt a little awkward at first, being one of only two people at the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner who weren't part of the wedding party. But I got to wear my red dress that I've been waiting to wear all summer, and I had a blast at the reception. Jackie and I concocted our robot high-five routine and also a highly (un)polished MCHammer dance. I was swung around and spun around by various groomsmen, and got to "slow" dance to Let's Get It On by Marvin Gaye (finally!).

I was hit on constantly with lines like, "You're beautiful. Hey... look at me... you're beautiful." Here's another clip from the weekend:

"Where do you live?"
"Spokane."
"Do you ever come to Bellingham?"
"No."
"Do you ever come to Oak Harbor?"
"No."
"If I asked you to come, would you?"
"No."
*disappointed face* "Why?"
"I have a boyfriend."
"Oh. That's okay... you hadn't met me yet."

It's the first time in my life that I've allowed the men to dance with me because it was one night, and they felt attractive and I felt attractive and I'm probably never going to see them again, so why not? I was entertained, and my favorite part of it all was the slow-motion drunk wink.

I loved it all. Between doing the YMCA and taking shots of diet Coke (certain other people believed I was doing shots of whiskey. I have a sneaking suspicion he was trying to liquor me up so he could bust a move, but I immediately danced away), and between being dipped and spun around (and getting stuck while being spun behind someone's back and flashing the entire reception), I felt the freest I've been in a long time.

I love these summer weekends of dancing and sunshine and sexy dresses.

important things.

2008-07-08T23:26:00.000-07:00

1. christopher maloney=pure awesomeness. he's basically the only reason i allow myself to watch law&order:svu and not feel entirely guilty about myself.

2. do NOT, under ANY circumstances, let rice go bad. it is quite possibly the most disgusting thing i've ever seen/smelled in my life. forealz.

3. junior high kids are hard to read. i love 'em, they're special in my heart, but it is exhausting trying to figure out what will keep them engaged. i do have a student whose eyes are like blue diamonds. even though it's only day 2, i think she is one of my favorites.

4. even though it's only day 2 of summer school, i have genuine affection for each of my students and i can already tell what they're bringing to the table.

5. having no phone is odd. i feel strangely cut off from the world, but also strangely freed. my only regret is that i can't talk to mario. this is a bigger deal than one might think.

6. i need to start winking more. awkward fun.

ah youth.

2008-07-07T22:45:00.000-07:00

yes, so in a fit of excitement, i tried to call my brother to tell him about the 52-year-old Japanese woman named Yoko who was gladiatoring on American Gladiator. (let's not ask why i was watching American Gladiator.) i was met with "emergency calls only ok" and brutal disappointment. my glee over a 52-year-old Asian badass was squashed by the realization that my phone has been "shut off" and a strange feeling one gets that is akin to the fright of someone taking away my birthday.

so now, i'm having flashbacks to two summers ago, when i was first out on my own. flatonmyassbroke 24/7, running up huge phone bills b/c i kept calling my best friends and talking for hours b/c i missed home, watching blind date into the wee hours of the morning, screaming fights with mario.

luckily, i've moved past most of this (i don't watch blind date anymore b/c i don't know where it's at, and even if i did, i probably don't get that channel). except for the phone bill thing... all i need now is to scrub my kitchen floor at 2am while crying hysterically and taking occasional rebellious smoke breaks on my porch.

man, cigarettes. you sound delish.

a minor epiphany: drum roll please.

2008-07-06T14:42:00.000-07:00

you know you're some place strange in life when you'd rather be standing at a busy intersection wearing a blood drop costume in 96-degree heat holding a cardboard sign that says, 'Will dance for blood', listening to Wham! and Paula Abdul on a boombox from 1994 and doing the running man and other assorted dances.

yes, it's all true. i'd rather be doing that than sitting in the office. being spied on. and passive-aggressively attacked.

my education.

2008-06-30T22:40:00.000-07:00

you know, a year ago, being freshly graduated from college all that, i didn't think, "you know what i think i'll be doing in a year? i think i'll be dressed in a blood drop costume, standing on the corner of a busy intersection in 96-degree heat, holding a cardboard sign that says, 'Will dance for blood'. you know, yeah, i think that's what i'll do with my life. and i'll even do the running man too."

oh man. it's not the worst thing to ever happen, but i am tired and sticky and delirious.

so if you're roaming about the Valley during the next three days and see a couple blood drops waving at you on a corner, be kind and wave and turn your music up, because then you'll get to see a blood drop dance. and who doesn't want to see that?

quick! before the sun coma sets in...

2008-06-29T19:31:00.000-07:00

oh yum. i love the feeling of being out in the sun all day, even though it was 100+ degrees today (apparently), and i love the feeling of probably being sunburned even though i slathered on the sunscreen, and i love the feeling of listening to goodgood music. it's been a grand weekend, and i don't want to think about monday.

so here's to miniskirts, dancing in the sun, letting the lake soak your feet, eating cherries and other things, giggling about floppy hats (and other assorted "floppy" things), dancing in the car on the freeway and letting the wind blow through your hair.

oh yes, and tacos. can't forget the tacos.

lesson #8945:

2008-06-25T23:14:00.000-07:00

while you are on your cell phone, do not cry tears that may somehow make their way into your cell phone charger port. apparently, that corrodes the whatevers in there and causes your phone to freak out. noted: no cellular breakdowns.

ahaha. i'm sooo funny. on a roll today.

also. printed out my americorps vista job description today, highlighted certain important parts of it (the parts that state that i am not to be a volunteer fill-in bitch 100% of the time) and stuck it in my "supervisor's" box. in hindsight, i realize this may come to bite me in the ass, but my "supervisor" should come to realize that talking shit about me and employing people to spy on me will come and bite her in the ass.

i swear, some of these people are crazy. and not the interesting kind of crazy. like the "hey, 14 years old called, and they're telling you to grow the hell up" kind of crazy.

speaking of crazy, someone in the office tried to use a printer as a photocopier. and no, i'm not an asshole. the printer did not look like it was multi-functional, or like it was a printer/fax machine/photocopier as the machine next to it did. she just waltzed right over, stuck her papers in the letterhead/envelope tray, tried to push some buttons and said to me, "This is a photocopier, right?"

like i said.

summer eating.

2008-06-24T21:18:00.000-07:00

i have never wanted hot dogs as badly as i've been craving them the past month or so. it's all the hot dog guy's fault. you know, he sits there with his hot dog stand and whenever i see dudes in business suits buying hot dogs, i just get the feeling. i want a hot dog. and not the store-bought mushy kind, i want a hot dog from that hot dog stand.

so one of these days, i'm taking a long lunch and i'm going downtown, and i'm finding the hot dog guy and i'm going to buy me one o' those dang hot dogs and it's going to be amazing.

like sand through the hourglass.

2008-06-23T20:48:00.000-07:00

the snarky things that run through my head during the course of a certain Monday:

-"Oh, what's the matter? Tired from all the spying?"
-"Um, oh hey. It's 4:27 and I'm leaving right now. So, be sure to write that down or make sure that you call ****** and let her know. 4:27. I'm leaving. Oh yeah, also make sure to tell her that I took zero cell phone calls today. Remember that, okay?"
-"Oh hey ******. Just filling in for ****** while she's on vacation. It's 4:28 and 13 seconds and I'm leaving the office for the day. Make sure you write that down somewhere. I don't want to have to repeat it tomorrow morning when I come in. Thanks."

seriously.

here comes the rain again...

2008-06-09T22:37:00.000-07:00

I quoted the Eurythmics all day today because the weather mirrored my mood. A light smattering of rain droplets followed by 30 seconds of sunshine, followed by violent downpours, followed by thirty seconds more of sunshine, followed by torrential downpours complete with gusts of wind and lakes in the parking lot.

I honestly wish I didn't dread work. I'm trying to let everything roll off me because this isn't really worth all the energy. I can't live at this volume. It's just not worth it. I'm done in two and a half months and then I'm off to bigger and better things that I'm actually meant to do. So I'll just do what I do. They can't fire me so...

Been wandering around myspace, stumbling upon people from high school. About 65% of the people I saw were married and/or had at least one child, most had two or were pregnant with their first. I know I write about this kind of crap a lot, but seriously... when will it stop being scandalous in my mind to find out about pregnancies and marriages of people I grew up with? It's not entirely uncommon. I'm 23 years old. We're hurtling into our mid-twenties, and these are the ages where I entirely expected marriage and babies to appear.

Maybe I still think of all of us as 16 still... I remember them only within the context of high school, of hideous blue lockers, hallways that smelled like condiments. We're all frozen in my mind, frozen perpetually in adolescence. Life ever rolls forward and maybe one day I'll get used to this idea of adulthood, of being grown ups. We're not kids having kids anymore. Some of us used to be. But here we are.

The more I grow away from that particular zip code, the more I realize how much I can't hide where I'm from. When I first moved to Washington, I wanted so badly to be able to say I was from somewhere else other than Nevada. But now, when people ask where I'm from, I give a lineage of my residencies. It's all a part of me.

In other news: of course, after wandering downtown from work and waiting around for 20 minutes for my bus home and after a generally long day, I get on the bus behind a girl and this exchange happens between her and the bus driver:

bus driver: Hello! Oh look, Tweety!
girl: Yeah...
bus driver: (looks down. slightly alarmed look crosses his face.) Oh wow. Are you okay?
girl: Yeah. That's why I'm taking the bus to Deaconess...
bus driver: Do we need to take you to the hospital? Call you an ambulance or something?
girl: No, I've been walking with it for two days so...

I didn't see anything, but my first thought was gangrine of some limb, or perhaps a gunshot wound or some kind. I expected there to be blood everywhere. Apparently, it was a spider bite and those freak the crap out of me more than blood or gangrine. It was an interesting 5 minutes of my life.

Well. Maybe I'll have more exciting thoughts later.

tuesdays.

2008-06-03T00:36:00.000-07:00

Ran across this article today in The Onion. It's old, but still rings ever so true...

It's Only Tuesday...

It's true... I DO fidget, check the clock obsessively, and hide in the office bathroom to try to make the day go faster. And it doesn't work ever. How did they know?!

*sigh* Angerball. Don't want to be one anymore.

a self-diagnosis without webmd.

2008-05-27T22:24:00.000-07:00

i have reason to believe that my job is causing me gastrointestinal problems. i've just made the connection today, and my gastrointestinal activity will have to be monitored for the next few weeks, but i definitely had sudden sharp pains in my abdomen when i got assigned a stupid project that i only have a day to do when the person who has the other half of the project has had at least two weeks to work on hers.

and for the record, i'll get the damn thing done in one day, just to show them
a. how kick ass i am
b. how stupid it is that a person should work for two weeks on something that could be done in a couple days.

irritating. just three more months... mario says i should bring alka seltzer and sprite to work.

*sigh*

great. i'm watching law & order to unwind.

seriously.

in other, more amusing, news. at the bus stop this morning, my waiting companion was a guy in dirty jeans and combat boots wearing a backpack. which is great, except instead of waiting patiently, he decided to power walk out to the middle of the street and stand there. and then he came back to the sidewalk and started doing quad stretches, which also entailed him hopping around on one foot. he also did some lunges and some calf stretches and he also sat down on the sidewalk and did some stretches there.

all of this in jeans and combat boots. i tried hard not to stare. and i mean, hey, i might just be an asshole, and he might have been on his way to the gym.

but maybe not.

and maybe my gastrointestinal problems aren't stress-related. maybe it's all the ice cream bars i've been eating.

but let's be honest: i'd rather give up stress than ice cream bars.

zzzzzzs!

2008-05-18T03:26:00.000-07:00

salsa and sexy dress night two nights in a row = awesome.

but now i'm really tired. and have $3 to my name. so... thanks a lot, bills. you're stealing my money.

i think tomorrow will be a cleaning day. finally get those dirty dishes clean, get that pollen crap vacuumed off my floor, get those clothes put away.

my house is warm. when i sleep at night, i kick my covers off and still feel warm. yum.

and even when i wear my "engagement ring", i still get hit on. even by girls. i just can't win.

feeling awkward.

2008-05-11T16:58:00.000-07:00

i just realized that these are my last months living on the west coast for at least 3 years.

i feel funny.

confessions.

2008-05-06T23:24:00.000-07:00

so. i've been watching lifehouse videos with amaya on youtube (youtube is evil) and becoming nostalgic. for what, i don't know. i've blocked out most of those four years. i really have no distinct recollections or fond memories of high school. it's not because i didn't have a good time then -- i had a great time. but all the good times i had were had in spite of my circumstances. i had a good time as a giant fuck off to all the crap i was going through.

and i'll be honest. my experience in high school wasn't the worst thing to ever happen to anybody. but it certainly wasn't the best, and even at this point in my life, if i had the chance to do it all again i might do things differently. but there's always the trade-off: if i went back and did things differently, i wouldn't be who i am now. of course.

if i wanted to go back, what would i have done differently? i don't know. when i was 15, 16, 17, i didn't know anything. my world was tiny and wrapped up in certain things and certain people. these things and people were my everything, and when anything shifted, my world literally fell apart.

i don't like to think about these things. i live in a state of denial when it comes to these things. i pretend that this era of my life had no impact on me whatsoever, that i'm immune to adolescence and pre-adolescence and all the crap that comes with it -- tard boyfriends/not-boyfriends, plastic friends, shit talking, low self-esteem, uncertainty. especially living somewhere like winnemucca, whenever we found anything or anyone worth holding onto, we grabbed on and fought like hell to keep it. it didn't matter if it was a person, a teacher, a band, a poem, a novel, a film, a quote. if it got us through the day, that was enough. if it got us through the night without crying on the floor for hours, that was enough.

but i look back at those times, all those nights spent driving around with whomever talking, crying, yelling, all those nights on top of winnemucca mountain where everything was put into perspective, all those lunch hours spent hanging out with setzer after AP, even all those nights crying, and that's what i'm nostalgic for. that lethal mix of desperation and hope and longing and love and reaching. that feeling of infinite possibility stretching out in front of us. it was large and overwhelming and something we were completely head over heels for.

i look back at those times, and i don't remember what it felt like to feel all that. i don't remember it until i listen to silly bands like lifehouse and everything comes flooding back. my adolescent experience is woven into those chords, the voice inflections. i remember what it was like to feel desperately in love and have the future be the only thing holding us up. i don't feel it anymore, but i remember it, and tonight it's enough to fill that void where i remember nothing.

if given the opportunity, i wouldn't go back, and i wouldn't change anything. sometimes, i wish that i could, but then i wouldn't know this evolution of being simultaneously happy and sad. instead of longing for what i don't have yet and what is in my future, i long for what i already have. it's a difficult thing to explain, and until you know what i'm talking about, you won't know what i'm talking about. but it's a tremendous flood of that lethal mix, but perhaps a little more grown up, or a little more mature. whatever all that means.

so thanks, adolescence and every bastard who made me cry. i'm here in spite of you. i breathe and i love semi-functionally. take that, assholes.

yes, all this from listening to lifehouse, a white trash band.

it reminds me of this:
mario: "i don't get it. you're so pop. you're so pop, but you write amazing poetry. it's like eating cheetos and having them come out of you healthy."

fire.

2008-05-04T23:27:00.000-07:00

so my house caught on fire this weekend. we'll just say it involved running around in my backyard in the dark looking for a hose, 911 calls, firefighters, angelic bike riders, women screaming and carrying around my 13-pound cat for 40 minutes while firefighters tromped through my house with big fans to blow the smoke out. My house smells like I've had a campfire burning inside, except with burned plastic instead of marshmallows. I can't get the smell out, and sometimes I wake up smelling the smoke and panic.

i've been a ditz for the rest of this weekend. i think that's okay though, since i spent my friday night fighting fires.

i need to clean up my clothes piles and make sure there aren't any slightly embarassing articles of clothing lying around. insurance people are going to be tromping around my house assessing smoke damage so... superfun.

the things that comfort me:

- Cozzie Coz

- lattes from huckleberries
- walks in the sunshine at manito park
- mutual apologizing after a huge fight
- dancing spastically in the car
- sleeping
- dance movies
- singing along to the following:

don't hate. i didn't say these things were cool.

dude,

2008-05-01T23:21:00.001-07:00

my face hurts.

allergies, go home. get outta here. return from whence you came.

pretending i remember the '80s a lot.

2008-04-29T21:55:00.000-07:00

Did you listen to New Kids on the Block?
Do you even need to ask me this question? I mean seriously.

Did you ever own a slap bracelet?
Hell yes. Neon green with polka dots.

The Babysitter's Club or Sweet Valley High?
Both. I wanted to be in the BSC more than SVH though. Later in life, I found out that someone's parents wouldn't let her read SVH because it was too trashy.

Salute Your Shorts or Hey Dude?
I only remember one episode of Hey Dude, and I only remember everyone being really tired and faceplanting into their scrambled eggs.

Kids Incorporated or The Mickey Mouse Club?
I didn't watch these.

Did you want Dylan to end up w/ Brenda or Kelly?
Me.

Who was ALF?
Awesome. Is who Alf was.

Do you remember the show Dinosaurs?
Hell yes, I do. TGIF!

Do/did you know the words to the Fresh Prince theme song?
Hell yes. If you don't know 'em, you're dead to me.

Kimmie Gibler or Urkel?
Totally Urkel. Way cooler.

Blossom or Clarissa Explains It All?
"Tonight, on a very special Blossom..."

Did you have a crush on JTT?
Slightly.

Bobby Brown or Tevin Campbell?
I'll take 'My Prerogative" for $300, Alex...

Step By Step or Full House?
I loved them equally.

Did you listen to Milli Vanilli?
Nah...

Rogers or Reading Rainbow?
Reading Rainbow forever, but I do change my shoes as often as Mr. Rogers.

Did you own a Glo Worm?
Hell yes.

Paula Abdul: better now or then?
She was legit and now she's crazy. So both.

Wild 'n' Crazy Kids or Double Dare?
I don't care.

Remember Legends of the Hidden Temple?
No.

The Mighty Ducks or The Little Giants?
Oh-em-gee, both! Either way you win!

Did you watch Saved By The Bell?
I wasn't allowed to back in the day. I'm making up for it now with Saved By The Bell marathons...

Who was hotter: Zack or Slater?
Slater. Always.

Camp Nowhere or House Arrest?
I don't know.

Did you own a pair of Reebok Pumps?
No, but I did own neon pink Keds and also neon orange ones.

Carebears or Smurfs?
I had a Smurfs swimsuit.

Rainbow Brite or Strawberry Shortcake?
Um... no.

Did you watch Miami Vice?
My mom did.

Did you own a pair of Jelly Shoes?
No. I was way cooler than that.

Did you own a Trapper Keeper?
Hell yes.

Atari or Nintendo?
Nintendo 4ever!

another manic monday.

2008-04-28T23:56:00.000-07:00

To sum up my day, I'll go ahead and quote myself out of context for the amusement of all: "I don't want you to go down on me today."

That's right. That's what I said. Even in context, it's still dirty. Thanks a lot, self.

Although I hear that nothing will ever top my "Sure! I have lots of secs!" story. Five years later and I still haven't lived it down...

*sigh*

Sunshine, you are my fickle lover.

2008-04-27T00:43:00.001-07:00

I had a great day. I slept like someone who is untroubled until 12:30. I woke up to sunshine and 68 degree temperatures. I got coffee and walked around the park with Jackie. We laid out on a blanket in the rose garden at Manito (technically a "thorn garden" since there are no roses in bloom yet) and let the sun burn up our jeans. Then we got some food and then we got some movies, and we ate some chocolate cappucino pie and watched our movies, and here I am. Happy happy happy. All sun-kissed and sun-glassed and for now, everything is right in the world.

"we are as unto diamonds."

2008-04-25T01:00:00.000-07:00

First, the irritated.
1. No, my earrings are not "ethnic", whatever that means.
2. Yes, I speak English well. I have been speaking it and reading it since I was 2 years old and I did study it for 4 years and I do have a degree in it. So I would hope that I spoke it well.

Second, the sublime.
1. Anis Mojgani.
2. I too want to be small and powerful in the purest and most beautiful sense.

Third.

confusion.

2008-04-23T02:05:00.000-07:00

today, i participated in a conversation that went something like this:

man: so are you from around here?
me: no.
man: where are you from?
me: nevada.
man: nevada... so it's quite a bit warmer there.
me: no.
man: it's not?
me: no. it's about the same as it is here.
man: oh. i went to a casino in nevada once. it was up in the mountains near a lake...what was it called?
me: reno?
man: no. it was in the mountains...
me: lake tahoe?
man: yes, that's it. lake tahoe. it's beautiful up there.
me: yes.
man: are you native american?
me: no.

and i left it at that.

I’ve decided.

2008-04-11T16:08:00.000-07:00

My ride on the negative train ends here.

Maybe it’s the sunshine and the sudden 70 degree weather. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m going to be moving halfway across the country in less than 6 months and be completely on my own.

All I know is that I need to get my life together and quit stressing about dumb things. I’ll allow the crying occasionally because I’ll have to.

But from here, I’ll be waving to the negative train as it chugs away.

Cue the trumpets…

2008-04-07T13:28:00.000-07:00

Behold, my triumphant return. My laptop is in the process of being fixed and all blogging activities will return to normal shortly.

In other news, New Kids on the Block are reuniting. NKOTB 4 lyfe! Seriously though, this is either the best thing ever or the worst. I can't decide, but either way, I'm totally excited. Anyone want to be my date for their reunion tour?

a thousand times, whee!

2008-02-03T14:01:00.000-08:00

sunshine, how i've missed you. you make me joyful. i walked out of my house this morning and didn't want to crawl back into bed or kill myself.

please never go again.

Thanks to Amaya...

2007-12-19T23:05:00.000-08:00

The rules are: Once you have been tagged you have to write a blog with 10 weird or random things, facts, or habits about yourself.

At the end, you choose 5 people to be tagged, list their names, and why you chose them to be tagged. Don't forget to leave a comment that says, "Tag, you're it" on their profile and to read your latest blog.

1. Sometimes, when I see a couple talking quietly by themselves, I'm secretly wishing they're breaking up or having a life-changing conversation that is not happy.

2. When I was little, I used to love reading so much but also loved riding my bike, so I would go outside and ride my bike around the driveway and read my book at the same time. My parents always got mad at me when I did this, and I'm not really sure why.

3. I have a secret addiction to karaoke, but I will only fully indulge in this addiction when I am by myself or with my family. My favorite karaoke song is "All Out of Love" by Air Supply.

4. I was on the bottle until I was 5. About a week or so into kindergarten, my mom finally took my bottle away. Consequently, I refused to drink any milk. During milk and cookies time in kindergarten, I remember marching over to the sink and pouring my milk down the drain, while the teacher's aide or whoever was pleading with me to drink it and I was shaking my head "Uh-uh, I don't think so." I still don't like milk.

5. I have a really awesome talent for getting myself into awkward situations. I also have a really awesome talent for saying awkward things, like, "Sure, I have lots of secs!" and "I love women!" in front of people I don't really know.

6. Some of my favorite memories are of crying hysterically and finding someone else who is crying just as hysterically as I am.

7. I hate Trick Shot Dixie's. But I keep going because I have faith that one day it will provide me with a valuable and/or enjoyably memorable time. It's an expensive faith. $5 a pop.

8. I love mix tapes. I've been making them since I was six or seven. I miss mix tapes.

9. Some people crave different foods or a certain kind of music or a particular band. I crave the airport.

10. I used to be what some would call a "daddy's girl," which may be surprising if you know anything about my family dynamics. He used to call me "The Girl with the Tumbleweed Hair" and whenever he said, "Kili-kili!" I would raise up my arms ("Kili-kili" means "armpit" in Tagalog) and he'd tickle me. I fell for it every time.

busting moves.

2007-10-20T15:04:00.000-07:00

Returned from Ocean Shores. It was not boring, to say the least. Ocean Shores will not go down in my memory as a place with great lattes (because I had only one halfway decent latte while I was there) or a place with friendly people (because most weren't too hospitable) or even a place with beautiful weather (rain falling sideways...).

I will remember the ocean, and I will remember dancing to someone karaoking Bust A Move at Cadillac Jack's. I'll remember being in bed by 7:30pm and watching Animal Planet all night. I'll remember dancing my little heart out, and all my sadness and all my restlessness.

I can't say that my muse has returned to me. But perhaps s/he is closer to returning.

word is...

2007-09-18T19:06:00.000-07:00

So this morning as I got ready for work, I couldn't figure out what to wear. I've been rotating the same skirt and same pair of slacks with different tops for the past week. So I wore some random articles of clothing with the skirt and headed to work, preparing to declare "Matching is for wimps!" in case anyone decided to say anything snide to me.

So I got to work, and people kept saying, "You're so dressed up!" One even ventured to go a bit further and say, "You look cute today!" I said, "Really? I feel like I look like I just rolled out of bed and fell into some clothes." The reply was, "Wow, I wish I could roll out of bed and fall into some clothes and look that good."

Me too. Maybe I should do it more often...

In other news, I woke up a couple mornings ago, looked in the mirror at my hair and decided it all had to go.

I also woke up this morning with Stayin' Alive stuck in my head. What a great way to start a Tuesday.

i am drawing the story.

2007-09-16T21:43:00.000-07:00

I've been melancholy lately, to put things lightly, euphemistically, to make me sound uncrazy. To say that I've been moody makes it sound like I'm a silly girl with PMS, which is probably the case, but since when has what your hormones make you feel been any less valid than anything else? It's all hormones and chemicals anyway... it's been my firm belief that what I'm feeling is what I'm feeling, PMS or not, so here I am.

Been reading High Fidelity this weekend. How good it feels to roll around in a book that feels like home or something like it. Sure, the main character is self-absorbed and all that, but he speaks truths at crucial, human moments and that is what makes it all worthwhile. He talks about how the right chord change in the right song will melt your heart and send you on the search for the lover (human or otherwise) who will fit that feeling. When I read passages like that, I know whoever is reading the book will now exactly what he's talking about, including me, and I am grateful that finally somebody has put to words exactly what that stirring of the soul means.

Work, thus far, has been a disaster. I think that I may need to learn to compartmentalize. Finally. I've never understood how people could keep parts of their lives so separate from one another, and I still don't. But I need to learn to leave the office at the office and not dwell on it when I badge out for the day. Fuming about how stifling and pointless my tasks at work are when I'm done with work makes me miserable and unpleasant. I realize now that working a "normal" job would steal my soul in the long run... I am a wholly passionate person, and I need to love everything that I do. I think I would be perfectly happy doing anything but a "regular" office job, whether that means being a waitress, a barista, a teacher or most anything else in this great big world.

I'm helping to teach junior youth classes at the Star of the West Baha'i School and just today I noticed how alive I became when I started truly interacting with the students and guiding them toward an understanding of the concepts we were discussing. The act of sharing knowledge is so revitalizing. I'm beginning to see this now.

I went out on Friday night with a few friends...we were celebrating Priscilla's admission to graduate school (if you're reading this, Miss Priss, congrats again!) and I had such a great time. We went to Jimmy'z and danced for a bit... I've forgotten how dancing out my aggression is the best way for me to deal with my turmoil. We eventually happened upon Prago, where we found a packed cafe with STRENGTH playing and it was actually a really fabulous time. I need to have more times like this during the year or I will go crazy.

*sigh* Wish me luck. Please hope that I find the positive in the things that happen to me, that I find patience, compartmentalization skills and humility in the things that I do...

the art of selling out.

2007-09-11T17:37:00.001-07:00

i believe it was mark twain who once said, "beware of any endeavor that requires new clothes." when i first heard this, i thought it witty, but had no idea what it really meant. now that i work, basically, in a corporation (despite the fact that it's non-profit), i find myself having to buy new clothes. i also find people telling me that the "capris" i'm wearing are hated by the ceo. at this point, i'm too polite to tell them that my pants are not "capris," but whatever. "capris" can be "professional" too, but we'll ignore that and stifle my personal style for the sake of "professionalism".

obviously, i'm really excited about wearing skirts, nylons and "trousers" all the time for the next year of my life.

corporate america, you will never be graced with my presence.

additionally, i cannot even begin to describe how I heart huckabees/the office/office space i feel on my second day of work (oh, sorry, volunteering). i've had to call 8 pages worth of phone contacts today, and i started to realize that i was sounding like a robot, so i began inflecting my voice in random places and putting emphasis on different syllables with each call... by the end of today, if i heard my own voice say the same 4 sentences again, i would have vomited.

very nice.

who knows where to start.

2007-09-09T01:43:00.000-07:00

After a beautiful night of symposium (sans Leah...insert a pout here), I feel refreshed and revived in the intellectual sense. Sitting around and reading and workshopping poetry made me so happy... I glowed a bit inside. I haven't been able to publicly indulge fully in my addiction to poetry for quite awhile, so tonight was something I've been craving subconsciously and needed.

I think symposium helps me gather my wits. I've been a little stressed lately with starting up what will be my life for the next year and with Luz peeing everywhere. I have no clean blankets in my house because she has peed on all of them, including the one I was about to sleep under last night. I also worry that Luz and Pomo will become latchkey kittens, who will grow up to be delinquent, forever climbing my curtains, scratching up my red rainbow couch and peeing everywhere. I've purchased a spray bottle for disciplinary purposes, and I'm slowly growing less apologetic about using it. I first used it to spray Luz away from my Wendy's nuggets and fries and immediately proclaimed how bad I felt about using it. Autumn said, "How will you be a mother?"

And suddenly, I realized that kittens are not plants. I am a mother, in an unconventional sense. And yes, I am overanalyzing the raising of kittens, but it's been a milestone in my understanding of responsibility.

And now I am hungry. Off to make a quesadilla maybe.

a culinary genius is what i am.

2007-08-20T14:41:00.001-07:00

Last night, I made my first full meal completely on my own. And I'm not talking pasta with sauce out the jar. I'm talking chicken and rice and oil and oyster sauce and vegetables and the whole deal. Without cookbooks, the aid of my mother or my boyfriend, who's the domestic genius of us two.

It was wonderful. Now I just want to cook all the time. Too bad I have $0.83 to my name, otherwise I'd be able to go grocery shopping and cook all the time.

Also, I'm finally about half-way through La Frontera, and I've come to the Doug-like conclusion that Anzaldua is crazy but brilliant. I'll need a good four shots of espresso before I can tackle that book again today...

Kittens and lovejoy.

2007-08-17T20:27:00.000-07:00

I am having two kittens. Here is a picture of them: Argh! I'm so excited!

My allergies have been alive and well the past day. I woke up in the middle of the night with a fountain for a face. One swallow of children's grape-flavored allergy medicine and half-a-bowl of Ramen later, my nose had stopped running and I was dreaming that I was a Hispanic man who was being chased by a village because I was caught holding hands with a white woman. Neat.

Also, this:
Hi, my name is: what? my name is who? my name is chik-a-chik-a-slim shady!

but you can call me: Slim. Or Shady. It'd be accurate to call me both.

Never in my life have I: met Mikhail Gorbachov.

The one person who can drive me nuts is: I'll take Paula Abdul over Mary Murphy anyday.

My high school was: not known for academic excellence. I'll leave it at that.

When I’m nervous: I blow shit up. Literally. No really.

The last song I listened to was: something super duper (or super junior, for those of you who catch my drift, ifyouknowwhatimean), I'm sure. And not ridiculous Asian pop. Psssh.

If I were to get married right now it would be to:

My hair is: big. Big and lovely.

When I was 4: I liked to pretend that I was smoking. I also thought I would be a nurse when I grew up. HAHA.

Last Christmas: may or may not have been spent in a snowy pair-a-dice.

I should be: probably not doing this.

When I look down I see: my legs. Or what would have been my legs had I not lost them in a freak shark feeding accident.

The happiest recent event was: the arrival of my prosthetic legs. And kittens!

If I were a character on ‘Friends’ : if I were unoriginal, I'd say "Rachel" because our names are both Rachel and we are both unabashedly fashionable. But since I'm original and cross gender boundaries, I'll go with "Chandler" because if he were real and I rolled with upper middle-class white people who are never seen actually working and whose bigger problems were things like eating or not eating the neighbor's pies, I think he and I would get along real well.

By this time next year: I'll be kicking ass and taking names. In no particular order.

My current gripe is: that I am hot and sweating right now.

I have a hard time understanding: people who are stupid. And how Bill O'Reilly continues to function amidst the roar of cognitive dissonance that should be occuring in his psyche.

There's these girls: who dance like strippers and call it feminism, which probably isn't feminism if I had any kind of say in these things.

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: probably the person who helped me get there.

I want to buy: area rugs. And food. I'm wasting away feasting on condiments and pickles.

Where do you plan to visit: Justin Timberlake's hairline because it's so interesting and wavy.
If you spent the night at my house: you would love my red rainbow couch. You would dream of ponies and unicorns and Harry Potter, if that were your kind of thing.

The world could do without: nuclear weapons. Weapons in general. And things like cocaine and heroin and crack. And poverty. And Bill O'Reilly.

Most recent thing I’ve bought myself: A coconut latte that didn't taste like coconut.

Most recent thing someone else bought me: A meal. Wow. I am POOR.

My middle name is: Tajalli Ronquillo.

In the morning I: am never awake.

Last night I was: I couldn't even get an answer. I tried to call but my pride wouldn't let me dial and I'm sitting here with this blank expression, and the way I feel, I wanna curl up like a child. That what I was last night.

There’s this guy I know who: burps where you fart and farts where you burp.

If I was an animal I’d be a: cat.

A better name for me would be: Kitana. Because I like kitanas (despite my firm belief in doing away with all weapons) and I like fighting video games, especially ones with girls named Kitana.

Tomorrow I am: roaring like the woman I am.

Tonight I am: still roaring.

My birthday is: the day the Titanic sank, drowning Rose and stranding Jack on a door in the middle of the freezing Atlantic Ocean.

If I could describe myself in five words they would be: outrageous, courageous, poetic, irreverent, lovely.

Im in love with: the world, and also my manfriend, Mario.

My worst habit is: sloth. The money is in all the 7 deadly sins, except that one.

I dislike: not going to the beach in so long.

My favorite tv show is: let's not discuss this. It'd just embarass everyone involved.

I like to: do some reading, some coffee drinking, some flying, some errand running, some fine dining, some watching television with enjoyable company, some going to movies solo, some Yo Yo Girl Cop.

I'm looking forward to: the day when a movie that rivals YoYo Girl Cop hits Blockbusters everywhere.

and here we are. and this is now.

2007-08-11T13:57:00.000-07:00

so last night, i got the idea into my head to listen to ani's album "dilate." which, for me, is one of those albums that, at a certain point in my life, i listened to over and over and over again. it's one of those albums that i've spent entire nights listening to on repeat and crying my heart out to. every song on that album is gold, and since freshman year of college, i haven't listened to any of them until last night. there's just too much pain and memories in that album, but last night i worked up the courage to listen to it. every song. it was a quiet collection of moments in my existence. it was nice to listen to that, and only remember feelings, not feel them.

also, i'm growing tired of pretentiousness. everyone is pretentious to some degree, but excess of pretention is absolutely useless to anybody. screw pretentiousness. that's what i've got to say about that.

recycling.

2007-08-08T21:38:00.000-07:00

So I was somehow caught in reading the emails in the "sent" folder of my email, and found this rambling in an email that I wrote, which oddly echoes the sentiments of my last blog entry. Enjoy.

I don't really know how you would explain music with words in the first place. For that matter, how do you describe anything, like feelings? How can you convey emotions with words? How can you convey the way a song sounds, how a song makes you feel with words? I could say that the acoustic version of "405" by Death Cab feels like a drive on the highway right after a super huge thunderstorm, and that smell of moistness and how the air feels on your skin, and how you somehow feel like a different, perhaps more enlightened person, even after the rain, and how the wet earth makes you feel like planting something or at least walking around in it barefoot, but mostly, you just feel like you're free.

How can that even be a feeling? But it is...and if I tell the right people about it, they'll know what I'm talking about. Some will understand it, most won't...or maybe that's just me...but whatever. Know what I mean? =)

I guess just words in general...words are my craft, I use words to create reality or destroy it, words are everything. But at the same time, they're pretty much nothing because they're just words...actions allegedly speak louder than words, so...words are nothing and everything at the same time, and I guess that's just the reality we all have to live with. And it's something we all have to realize at one point or another, and we can't ever say that words are everything and have that be the truth, and we can't ever say that words are nothing and have that be absolute truth. Words need to be used in moderation, and it would help if people only said what they meant so that it wouldn't be hard to distinguish between what means something and what means nothing...

The meaning of meandering.

2007-08-07T15:44:00.001-07:00

The thing about feeling inarticulable feelings is that the only thing that can articulate these things in the least is poetry or music. Or a friend whom you can call up and say, "Hi. I feel funny" and have them understand exactly what it is and why it is you feel the way you do (after, of course, the preliminary, "By feeling funny, you don't mean pregnant, do you? Oh okay, thank GOD.")

It feels like the past has been folding in on me lately. Yesterday, Mario and I were talking about Sage Francis and Ani Difranco, and how much these people and their art means to us. It's funny how some things just feel like home, like wrapping yourself in the softest blanket possible, like lying on the floor and closing your eyes. These are things we discuss, and these are the things that are inarticulable -- you won't know what I'm talking about unless you know what I'm talking about. All these words I use are feeble attempts to describe the things that I feel that have no English translation.

Hindsight is a wonderful tool. I just wish it would come sooner. I guess you can't get a look at the big picture until you're farther away from it than you were.

So, funny story...

2007-07-26T22:15:00.000-07:00

Autumn and I went to the store to get some bay leaves and an onion for the outrageous cooking party we were about to embark on. A helpful grocery store assistant brought us to the bay leaf section of the store, where we discovered that a jar of bay leaves costs about $5. After guffawing and calling my mom to see how essential bay leaves are to adobo (she yelled, "FIVE dollars?! FIVE dollars?! FIVE dollars?"), we decided to forget the bay leaves. Our cashier ended up being the helpful grocery store assistant who so graciously led us to overpriced spices and herbs, and he said, "No bay leaves, huh?"

We said, "No...we decided we don't really need them."

"So you're making...spaghetti?"

His detective skills are obviously not amazing -- we were buying an onion and a bag of ice.

I said, "No. We're making adobo."

Blank look.

"It's a Filipino dish...Asian..." As I said this, I just trailed off as it appeared nothing was registering for our friendly cashier (pun intended).

He said, "Oh, sounds good."

I said, "Um yeah, it's great. See you later."

Good news! Neither of us hurt ourselves or burned anything down or melted anything. Our adobo tastes like adobo and the lumpia was cooked perfectly.

Not too shabby for two undomestic women who started the evening out saying, "You can cook chicken, right?" "Kinda." "I can cook chicken too kinda, so we'll be okay, right?"

High fives and kudos for Autumn and me!

I hold grudges sometimes, like my mother.

2007-07-08T12:26:00.000-07:00

This just isn't my week. Every thing I've planned to do, whether it's going to Boulder Beach, going to see Transformers, going to see Blue Scholars, having brunch or dinner with friends...none of it has worked out. Last night was my breaking point -- due to a fiasco of miscommunication, I completely missed the Blue Scholars' set at the 777-fest downtown. I got to see Lifesavas, but I was completely pissed the whole time. Which is unfortunate, but sometimes, I have a hard time letting go of these things.

But in the end, everything was fine. I met up with some friends, and we went to the Baby Bar to see James Pants spin. I danced my aggression out so I'm ready to face the world again.

And write poems, because I'm behind in the postcard poem game.

The beginning.

2007-07-06T22:58:00.001-07:00

Well, here we are. A fresh page. More to come when I'm not feeling so passive-aggressive/aggressive and snippy.